Having read the introduction to this post, you’ve undoubtedly focused on the source of your frustration – a colleague, boss, relative or friend.
Now, go to Step One: Realize that you are not merely saying “that person is driving me mad”? You are also judging that person. Recognize and accept the signs that you are in a “judging mode” though it’s not always obvious. While you know that the other person is “bugging you” you may not realize that you have started to overeat, become easily irritated or acted “out of sorts.” These behavior changes could be signs that your criticism of someone else is taking a toll on you and that you have to change in order to balance yourself and come to a place of inner peace. Here are some helpful steps to get you to a place of calm where you can live with the other (assuming you can’t just eliminate the other from your life completely) and get him or her out of your head.
Step Two: Eliminate judgment and replace it with forgiveness. Start by figuring out what is really bothering you about the other. What button have they pushed? What is really being triggered inside of you? Why are you reacting and holding onto anger or frustration instead of moving on? Ask yourself a few basic questions:
- What has the other done?
- Is it one thing that has been done to me?
- If it’s one thing, why has that caused me to react so strongly? Do I feel that the other has gotten the upper hand? Do I feel out of control? Do I feel inferior? Do I feel angry at myself for not being able to overcome an obstacle the other represents? Does the other have more influence than I? The possibilities for answering this query are, quite literally, endless and very personal.
- Is this one thing really part of a bigger pattern of the other’s behavior?
- If so, define that behavior.
Let me give you a simple example: My friend’s sister-in-law (“the other”) has an unrelenting sense of superiority and entitlement. My friend, on the other hand, is self-effacing, lacks confidence and avoids conflict. The sister-in-law triggers all of those traits in my friend. So, while the other did one thing last weekend that angered my friend and fueled the fire, that action was really nothing more than a repetition of all of the acts of superiority she’s engaged in for the last 30 years. It helps not to take the latest wrong in isolation. Having put this in perspective, my friend knows that her own frailties are being triggered and that she has to work on herself, and let go of the anger at the sister-in-law.
Step Three: Having acknowledged your state of mind (judgment), it’s time for forgiveness – of both yourself and the other. Forgive yourself for your negative reaction. After all, that’s a very typical human response. And, if you share some of my traits, your negative reaction may be the result of your own need to take control and get your own way.
Now, it’s time to forgive the other. Why? Because judging hurts you ever so much more than it hurts the person being judged. It eats away at your insides, and has no effect on the other WHATSOEVER! When you think of it that way, you’ll be inspired to take any step you can to get the offender out of your head and into a sidebar where he or she belongs. We call this “forgiveness.”
Let’s define forgiveness. Forgiveness is the act of letting go, the act of freeing yourself from negativity. It’s a way to make you a bigger better person both vis a vis the other and the world at large. Forgiveness will free your heart and mind and allow you to move forward in your life. Though this type of forgiveness is not necessarily spiritual, for some of us it might be.
How do you achieve forgiveness? You do it by sitting down quietly and parsing the judgments you have made, looking for a way to release yourself from a cycle of judgment, anger and frustration. Systematically, go through the following exercise:
- “I forgive myself for judging … (Example, I forgive myself for judging my colleague for the act of undermining me.)
- “I forgive the other for … (Example, misleading the supervisor about who did the work.)
Initially this might feel contrived and weird but give it some time. It is unlikely to resolve your bad feelings the first time around. But, I have found that by doing this exercise daily, I have started to get the other out of the forefront of my mind and into a place where my own peace of mind is undisturbed. It’s a place where the other no longer has any control of me at all.
So, here are a few helpful techniques to get you on the road to forgiveness.
- Remember: the hate you feel is hurting you. You deserve better. Knowing that the negativity is totally ineffective in dealing with or changing your adversary is paramount. This also means that you have to stop telling the story of the wrongs the other has thrust upon you. Don’t keep the hurt, anger and pain alive by reliving the incident(s) over and over again.
- Figure out whether you can eliminate “the other” from your life altogether. If you can, do it – take immediate action. If not, keep reading because there are very useful tools here for you as well.
- Don’t try to figure them out because you are using your mental energy to no good end. Accept that the other is “just that way” and you are not going to change them. If you do know the reason the other is acting in a particular way, try to put that in perspective. Perhaps the other cannot change. Also realize that if you can see through the other, it’s likely that your colleagues, friends and family are as well. It could well be that although you think others are being conned, they are not.
- Remember to give yourself a break. Don’t be sad or take it out on yourself that actions and behaviors by the other create a catalyst for your own negative behavior to emerge. There is one and only one way to deal with this self-damaging behavior – change it. Don’t let the other turn you into a person you don’t like. If you already are hurting because of the other don’t rush. Instead give yourself ample time to heal.
- Accept that some people simply cannot meet our standards of behavior. People are flawed and we have to deal with those flawed people all the time. We might even have some flaws ourselves for which we would want forgiveness. A little life wisdom can go a long way.
- You don’t have to forget. What you are working on is changing the impact the event had on you. It is all about changing your response to circumstance. It might be helpful to give yourself permission to remember the wrong(s) done to you. In future dealings, feel free to have a skeptical and realistic eye. Do the best you can but don’t ever let the other take advantage of you again. You are strong; you set the tone and nature of a future relationship.
- If you get a genuine and meaningful apology, accept it, knowing that you still don’t have to forget.
We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all suffered wrongs. We all don’t like someone. It’s how we deal with these inevitable bumps in our lives that make the difference. The next time you find yourself judging, do your best to let go and move forward. Remember – your life is about your inner peace and happiness. If you get rid of negativity, your life can bring you immeasurably more joy.
About The Author: Certified Executive Coach and CEO of Clear Intentions International, Dr. Barbara Schwarck coaches CEOs, leaders, and professionals to have profound breakthroughs around performance, personal satisfaction and change. She is the creator of Neuro Emotional Coaching® a cutting edge coaching tool rooted in neuroscience, emotional intelligence and its implication for leadership. She is also the author of From Intuition to Entrepreneurship: A Women’s Guide to Following Her Dream. If you are an executive or thought leader who is ready for a breakthrough, go to www.clearintentions.net.
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